Asking for Forgiveness from Someone You’ve Wronged

In his An Essay On Criticism, Alexander Pope wrote that “To err is human, to forgive, divine”. We all make mistakes, whether intentionally or otherwise. Part of the everyday reality of our existence is that we will get things wrong, even when we lead off with the best intentions. Getting things wrong is part of the human condition. However, this state of affairs doesn’t mean being content leaving things as they are, which is where asking for forgiveness comes in.

You can wrong someone in a wide variety of ways. You can disappoint the expectations that they had of you, especially if they are legitimate ones. You can break your word and not do something that you’d said you would, and so breach their trust. You can also wrong them by not being there for them when they need you most. You can thus wrong someone by what you do, as well as what you don’t do.

The it means to forgive

There is often misunderstanding about what forgiveness means and doesn’t mean. For some people, they understand forgiveness as being given a free pass for the wrong things they’ve done. Others view forgiveness as being conditioned upon you engaging in good behavior for a set period of time. As such, forgiveness is often understood as something that’s earned, or as a license to do as you please. Both of these are flawed in important ways.

Forgiveness does not mean that what you did was okay. When someone forgives you, they are releasing themselves from carrying any feelings of animosity or the desire to dish out to you what you did to them. If you hadn’t done anything wrong, there would be nothing to forgive. What you did was wrong – you should not have done it, and it caused legitimate harm to the other person, but what you did is no longer being held against you.

The fact that what you did is no longer being held against you doesn’t mean that tomorrow you can go and do the same thing. Actions have consequences, and forgiveness doesn’t mean that there is no accountability for your actions. If you break trust with a friend by lying to them, they might forgive you, but that doesn’t mean that they should trust you the next time you say something that seems to stretch credibility to them.

Forgiveness is also something that a person does for themselves, and not for someone else. When a person forgives another, they are choosing to not seek revenge and to not hold it against them. That forgiveness isn’t predicated on any particular action being performed. Forgiveness isn’t the same thing as restitution, which is when something is paid back to right a wrong, and it also isn’t reconciliation, though forgiveness makes the way for that.

When someone forgives you, it’s an opportunity for you to reset after a wrong has happened, and it’s a chance to learn and do better. Forgiveness isn’t a license for you to keep doing what harmed the relationship, and it isn’t something that is earned, either. Forgiveness is given freely, and it relates primarily to the person who was harmed choosing to relinquish the debt that they are owed by the person who harmed them.

Why forgiveness is necessary

Forgiveness in relationships is necessary because none of us is perfect. We damage our relationships with each other in various ways, and forgiveness is what helps to mend the fabric of our relationships. Forgiveness allows us to limit anger and the buildup of resentment; things which would be inevitable if we didn’t let our hurt go.

As mentioned earlier, forgiveness is the precursor to reconciliation, which is where two people whose relationship was broken is restored. Reconciliation isn’t always possible, and sometimes it may even be undesirable (as in a situation with an abuser who hasn’t changed their ways). Without forgiveness, however, our relationships wouldn’t function, because there is too much imperfection in any relationship for hurt not to happen.

Steps to asking for forgiveness from someone you’ve wronged

When you’ve wronged someone, you can approach them to forgive you. Ultimately, it is their decision whether they forgive you, and that forgiveness is something they are doing for themselves and their own heart so that they can relate to you without your wrongdoing dominating the space and controlling their reactions and attitude toward you.

You must face whatever you did squarely, and not seek to excuse yourself for what happened. Take ownership of your actions, words, and attitude. Then consider how you might do better, and what this might look like in everyday life.

You can’t make someone forgive you. It is up to them to do so when they feel comfortable forgiving you. However, you can make their ability to forgive you easier by apologizing for your actions. A sincere apology is not mere words. It’s something considered wherein you acknowledge exactly what you did wrong, and you state how it impacted the other person. You can also outline how you’ll do better and seek accountability.

A good apology is backed by concrete steps of action to ensure that things change – this is a positive step toward forgiveness happening. It is ultimately up to the other person to work on their own heart toward forgiving you. Forgiveness can be hard, and sometimes you may need help such as the guidance of a trained and licensed therapist who can help you work through issues of unforgiveness, possibly paving the way for restoration and healing.

Do you need support as you learn either forgiveness or repentance? Let a faith-based counselor in McKinney, Texas walk you through that process. Call our office at McKinney Christian Counseling in Texas today.