Controlling or Repressing Anger? Addressing Repressed Anger

For the most part, whenever the topic of anger comes up, the call is to control our anger better and find ways to blow off steam to avoid bringing destruction into our lives and relationships. It can feel odd to then say that in some instances, a person may not be angry enough. There are many different issues a person may have with anger, and sometimes that might include avoiding it or pretending it doesn’t exist.

The Idea Of Repressing Anger

At first glance, telling someone that they need to recognize and not hold back their anger may seem like inviting disaster. There are way too many people in our world who feel comfortable being angry in ways that cause harm to others. This happens in parking lots, on the internet, in homes, on playgrounds, in the workplace, at restaurants, and anywhere else you can think of. However, there are some good reasons for a call to recognize and express anger.

For one thing, not every expression of anger is healthy. The main problem with a lot of the anger we encounter is that it’s unhealthy, both for the person expressing it and for the people around them who are subjected to it. This is a huge reason those who shy away from anger do so. Healthy expressions of anger do exist, and you’ve likely experienced them without recognizing them as such.

When you hold your anger back and don’t express it, it can be just as damaging as when you express it in an unhealthy way that causes harm to you and other people. A person can choose to deal with anger in several ways, including repressing or suppressing it. These two ideas are connected, but somewhat different.

When a person suppresses their anger, they are consciously hiding it or holding it back from other people. Why would someone do this? Often, it’s a way to maintain harmony, avoid getting into conflict with others, or to protect others’ feelings. There may be times and places when this approach makes sense, but while it seems polite or the mature way to do things, suppressing anger has serious drawbacks, such as resentment and bitterness.

On the other hand, when a person represses their anger, they push their anger into their unconscious mind, and this process typically occurs without thinking about or even realizing it. Repression will occur where there’s a sustained habit of keeping anger under wraps. For instance, if you grew to associate anger with shame or danger, or weren’t allowed to express anger, you’ll repress that emotion.

When you repress your anger, you’re likely not aware that’s what you’re doing. That doesn’t mean there are no consequences to it. Our emotions find ways to express themselves, and even when you repress your anger, that anger will manifest in passive-aggressive behaviors, physical symptoms such as digestive issues or headaches, and anxiety.

Why People Repress Their Anger

There are all sorts of complex and personal reasons why a person could repress their anger instead of expressing it. Some of them were mentioned above already, but other reasons can account for why someone would learn to unconsciously hide or push their anger aside. Some of the reasons someone would repress their anger include the following:

Social and cultural reasons As we grow up, we are made aware in various ways of the social norms that hold sway in our family and community. Often, anger is stigmatized, and with that comes pressure to remain calm and unaffected. Some cultures and communities emphasize the importance of maintaining harmony and avoiding conflict, and this can lead individuals from those spaces to repress their anger.

Personal and emotional reasons A person may conflate anger with feelings of guilt or shame, priming them to repress anger. Repressing anger may be a response to trauma, or it may stem from fear that expressing anger might lead to losing control. Others may feel that their anger is not valid because they carry low self-esteem, and they repress it as a result.

Fear of consequences There may be a fear that expressing anger may cause loved ones to reject or abandon them, or there may be a fear of experiencing harm or retaliation from others for expressing feelings of anger.

Psychological factors Repressing anger can be a way of avoiding dealing with conflict or any issues underlying a particular situation. It can also function as a defense mechanism to cope with uncomfortable and powerful emotions such as anger.

Healthy Expressions Of Anger

God has given us our emotions for various reasons, and there are healthy and godly ways to express them. When a person represses any emotion, there are always consequences, including physical, emotional, mental, and relational consequences. Repressing anger can have negative consequences, such as increased levels of stress, anxiety, hypertension, digestive issues, passive-aggressive behaviors, resentment, and bitterness in relationships.

Being able to express anger in a healthy and constructive way is important for your emotional well-being, as well as for your relationships to flourish. If a person is naturally passive or has been socialized to repress their emotions, including anger, they may need to work on asserting themselves and learning to express their anger in healthy ways.

Another issue with repressing anger is having difficulty setting boundaries and maintaining healthy relationships with others. Say that someone violates your boundary by damaging your car when they borrowed it and then leaving you to foot the repair bill. Repressing your anger and not expressing your displeasure doesn’t remove the hurt, and it leaves you feeling resentful toward the other person for their lack of consideration.

Some healthy alternative ways to deal with anger instead of suppressing or repressing it include the following:

Recognize, acknowledge, and accept your anger Instead of denying what you feel, it’s important to grow in emotional intelligence so that you can recognize, name, and manage your own emotions better. Acknowledge what you’re feeling and give yourself permission to feel it.

Identify your triggers Practices like journaling and self-reflection can help you gain deeper insight into your own emotions, as well as what triggers them. Take the time to reflect on what triggers your anger and begin to do the work of addressing those underlying issues.

Express anger constructively The healthy way to deal with anger is to express it in constructive ways. Find healthy outlets for your anger, such as exercise, journaling, creative pursuits like art, or talking to a trusted friend.

Identifying factors that worsen your anger Knowing what triggers your anger, like tardiness, people taking advantage of your kindness, or being taken for granted, is one thing. There are situations and circumstances in which your anger worsens, and this includes poor sleep, being hungry, when under pressure or stressed, or if you’ve already been provoked before.

Often, anger results because of how you perceive a situation. You can interpret a comment as a joke or as an insult and a direct affront to your dignity. On different days, the same comment may trigger different reactions, and that’s because of your mindset and the circumstances surrounding the event. Becoming more aware of what provokes you to anger can be helpful.

Communicate your needs and concerns assertively Instead of shying away from saying what you want and need, share it. If people don’t know what you want, what works for you, or what doesn’t, they may irritate or annoy you without even knowing it. You can communicate these things clearly, calmly, respectfully, and without shaming or accusing anyone.

When you grow in expressing your anger constructively, it can greatly benefit your relationships and well-being. For someone who represses their anger, a mental hurdle they may need to overcome is recognizing that expressing anger isn’t the same thing as being aggressive or violent, lashing out at others, or being confrontational and hostile toward them. Anger can be expressed in other, healthier ways.

If you or a loved one struggles with repressed anger, you can reach out and seek support from a professional, such as a therapist. Your therapist can help you find a good balance so that you can express anger constructively.

You can learn how to be assertive, communicate effectively, and handle conflict well. It’s possible to gain mastery over your anger so that it serves you, your needs, and your relationships. Contact our office today to learn more.