Disenfranchised Grief: What it Is and How to Cope

Have you ever felt as though your grief was dismissed or minimized, or had people question the importance of your loss? If so, you may have experienced disenfranchised grief, a term coined by bereavement expert Kenneth Doka in 1989, to describe a loss that does not align with society’s norms and that is therefore not recognized as legitimate.

Disenfranchised grief can make you feel as though you are not entitled to your grief and that no one understands. It also inhibits you from being able to openly talk about your loss or receive the support you need to help you work through your feelings and begin to heal.

Examples of disenfranchised grief

Unrecognized relationships. 

Unrecognized relationships include estranged or private relationships such as an ex-spouse or a partner you did not talk about because others would not have approved of him or her, as well as distant relationships such as a friend, co-worker, neighbor, or coach. Others feel you should not be affected by the loss and do not understand why the relationship was so important to you since you were not a spouse or a member of the immediate family.

Unacknowledged losses. 

Unacknowledged losses are losses that are not considered significant enough to grieve over, such as the death of a pet, or a non-death loss like a divorce, loss of job, loss of mobility, loss of your home or a treasured possession, or a loved one’s dementia or incarceration.

Deaths are experienced as part of a job. 

Deaths experienced regularly as part of a job tend to be downplayed by society. The grief of healthcare workers and other such professionals over the loss of someone who was under their care is not considered a true loss, and they are expected not to take it personally.

Deaths carry a stigma. Deaths that have a stigma attached include death by suicide, drug overdose, or criminal activity. If you have experienced such a loss, you may avoid openly expressing your grief due to embarrassment or shame over the circumstances surrounding it.

Excluded grievers. 

Society tends to assume that certain people such as young children, old people, and people with special needs or mental disabilities are not capable of grieving, so they are excluded. Their grief is not acknowledged, and their feelings are discounted.

Losses where people don’t know what to say. 

These losses include deaths caused by tragic accidents, stillbirths, miscarriages, or the death of a child. People may want to offer sympathy and support but don’t know how to respond.

Suggestions for coping

• Recognize that your feelings are legitimate regardless of the type of loss you’ve experienced or what anyone else may think about it.
• Reach out to loved ones and tell them how you feel and how you need them to support you.
• Recognize that people may feel awkward around grief.
• Create a special ritual or tradition to recognize the loss.
• Start a grief journal in which you can process your thoughts and feelings.
• Join a support group.
• Consider counseling.

A trained mental health professional can provide an unbiased outside perspective on what you are experiencing and help guide and support you through your grieving process. If you would like to set up an appointment with one of the faith-based grief counselors at McKinney Christian Counseling in Texas, browse our online counselor directory or give us a call today.