The people you call friends are those you’ve built rapport with; you get each other, and you’ve gone through enough things together to build trust. Implied in all this is that a solid friendship takes time to build, and it’s not always a smooth road getting there. Friends, like other people, have fights, and hopefully, they resolve those conflicts well.
One positive outcome of well-resolved conflict is that you know one another as well as how to love each other better. Boundaries are another way for friends to love one another, and they are just as important in friendships as in other relationships.
Defining boundaries.
A boundary is a psychological and emotional demarcation of where one person ends, and another begins. God created us uniquely in His image, and we are born with our personalities, strengths, areas for growth, proclivities, and sensitivities. Though we may share many similarities, we are individuals. This is all the more important between friends because you can have so much in common that you can seem like you’re the same person.
Even though you may have many points of common interest, you and your friends are still individuals. Healthy boundaries define and protect that individuality so that you can express yourself and exist without being consumed by someone else.
If there’s a friend with a dominant personality, a combination of that dominance and peer pressure can wind up molding the group of friends into an extension of the dominant personality. Healthy boundaries prevent that from happening.
Why good boundaries make better friendships.
It may be tempting to think of boundaries as a barrier of sorts, the kind that hinders vulnerability and deep fellowship. On the contrary, healthy boundaries can facilitate more meaningful interactions between friends. It allows the friends to be themselves and make a unique contribution that only they can make because of the unique way God made them.
There are other reasons why good boundaries make for better friendships, including:
Keeping each other accountable. How people treat each other matters, and friends with good boundaries will maintain accountability when one of them is out of line in how they’re behaving or treating the other friends.
Loving each other well. Knowing each other’s boundaries alerts you to how you can love each other effectively. If you know, for example, that your friend values their time, you can love them by showing up on time when you’re scheduled to meet. If plans change, you can let them know in advance.
Promoting healthy intimacy. With good boundaries in place and accountability, you can be open with each other, knowing there’s no hidden offense you’re not being told about. This promotes greater freedom in the relationship.
When friends know each other’s limits, and they hold each other accountable for breaching those limits, you know what areas are off-limits and can engage freely with each other. Respecting each other’s limits also allows for each friend to practice self-care to meet their own needs and maintain their individuality, which is at the root of healthy intimacy between equals.
Examples of boundaries.
There are many kinds of boundaries that an individual can have, and they vary from person to person. Part of growing as friends is discovering what these boundaries are and learning how to navigate them together.
Sometimes you don’t know you have a boundary until someone does something that violates that boundary. For instance, by instinct or upbringing, you may never wear shoes inside the house or in your room. Only when your friend visits and keeps their shoes on do you find yourself feeling uncomfortable and discovering a boundary.
Some other boundaries may be emotional ones, but there are physical and other kinds of boundaries too. These include:
- Not being comfortable with silence after a fight.
- Not liking physical contact such as hugs, kisses, handholding, or being held around the shoulders.
- Limits on borrowing, such as not asking each other for money or borrowing each other’s clothes.
- Not sharing intimate details about a romantic partner.
- No physical or verbal abuse.
There are many other types of boundaries that an individual may have. You likely may not share the same boundaries as your friends, but that’s precisely what makes them who they are, and you who you are.
Setting and maintaining good boundaries in friendships.
The ability to set and maintain good boundaries is key to healthy relationships. You have the right to protect yourself from breaches of your boundaries, and to have your boundaries respected. If your friends don’t respect your boundaries, that’s cause for a serious conversation and sometimes may require parting ways.
It may be helpful for you to process and understand your boundaries with someone else. You may have questions such as whether your boundaries are reasonable, and how best to enforce them without damaging the relationship. Perhaps you’re reluctant to set boundaries, and that may stem from codependent tendencies.
You can get help from a counselor who can guide you to set healthy boundaries for your good and the good of your relationships. Contact our office for help.
