How a Fear of Abandonment Gets in the Way of a Healthy Relationship

A healthy relationship is a wonderful thing to experience. As social beings, we are wired for relationships, and when our relationships are functioning well, they can contribute to our well-being in several ways. Healthy relationships are linked to higher self-esteem, less anxiety and depression, a stronger immune system, faster recovery from illness, and possibly longer life. Many different issues can affect the health of a relationship, and a fear of abandonment is one of them.

What is the fear of abandonment?

We all must deal at one point or another with the loss of a loved one, whether as a result of death or because the relationship comes to an end. Loss is a part of all our lives, and it affects us in different ways. However, a person who fears abandonment lives in fear of these losses occurring. Fear of abandonment is a type of anxiety that some people have about the possibility or idea of losing someone that they care about.

Abandonment can happen either emotionally or physically. Physical abandonment is when a person leaves the relationship, whether they die or they walk away from the relationship. If a parent left in your childhood, that might foster a fear of abandonment. Emotional abandonment is when loved ones distance themselves emotionally, by not paying attention to your needs, or by being remote and not sharing themselves with you.

Experiences such as infidelity, divorce, and the death of a loved one can all lead to a fear of abandonment. Not having one’s emotional and physical needs met can thus lead to abandonment anxiety. Past experiences of abandonment which cause attachment issues, as well as experiences of trauma and abuse, can all contribute to someone developing a fear of abandonment.

How it affects a relationship

How we experience relationships and what we expect from our loved ones shapes how we are in those relationships. If you live expecting disappointment, you’ll struggle to commit yourself to the situation fully, and it’s hard to have joy even in the best of times. It can feel like you’re being set up for an even bigger disappointment down the road. This all makes being in relationships hard, for you, and for the people around you.

Fear of abandonment can affect a relationship in the following ways:

• It impacts how you interpret your partner’s actions, reactions, and behaviors toward you. You may misread them, and this can cause conflict.
• It can make it hard to be intimate, whether physically or emotionally, because there’s a fear of rejection present.
• It can make you possessive or jealous and can make you act in uncharacteristic ways to keep your partner, as you may feel like you’re losing them.
• Fear of abandonment can make a person eager for reassurance and emotional guarantees. This need for reassurance can put loved ones under pressure to continually manage your anxieties.
• It can make you sabotage the relationship since you anticipate it’ll end in any case. You can wind up pushing loved ones away to avoid feeling hurt if they leave the relationship.
• You violate your own boundaries out of fear of losing the relationship. For instance, you might not want to have sex with your partner but feel as though you must because you’re afraid you’ll lose the relationship otherwise. In other words, you might wind up clinging to unhealthy relationships for fear of losing someone.

The result of all this may be an unhappy and insecure relationship where neither party is flourishing and being the best version of themselves.

Overcoming the fear of abandonment

The good news is that there is help available to overcome a fear of abandonment. Through therapy, for instance, you can learn where your abandonment anxiety comes from. Understanding yourself, including knowing how you form bonds with other people, is an important step in learning how to have those healthy connections with other people, as well as develop skills to regulate your own emotions as well.

Therapy can also help you as you process and heal from trauma that may have contributed to the fear of abandonment. Your counselor can help you address issues such as negative self-talk that can influence your thoughts and behavior. Through support groups, especially ones that address trauma, you can also find a sense of connection to others, as well as healing.

Overcoming abandonment can be challenging, and it takes time, patience, and compassion toward yourself to work through it. Reach out to our offices today for help. A mental health professional will help you to overcome your fear of abandonment.