Leaning on Scripture Throughout the Grief Process

As much as one might want to rush past grief after loss, it’s important to go through the process of grieving. The grief process is as complex and hard to pin down as our emotions often are. Various people have tried to break it down into numbered steps, as if the ordering of the process will bring structure to our chaotic and overwhelming grief experiences.

Different Understandings of the Grief Process

One model breaks down grief into five stages a grieving person may experience: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Another identifies seven steps, adding shock, and processing or testing into the mix. Still, other lists combine things like shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, reflection and loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, then acceptance and hope.

Adding to the complexity of the grief process, any professional will tell you that grief does not follow these stages in a rigid or linear order. There is also no definitive timeline for grieving, and your symptoms can vary in their intensity and duration. Since people grieve in their own ways, you may not even experience every one of these stages, or you may find yourself cycling around through certain stages repeatedly.

Scripture and the Grief Process

Grieving a significant loss can completely uproot your sense of security and joy. It can feel necessary to regain control by understanding and working through the process to get through it and to the other side. But does the Bible add anything to our understanding of these different aspects of the grief process?

While these various breakdowns of the different phases of grief help us understand the kinds of emotions you may experience, the Bible doesn’t specifically address the different stages and phases of grieving. However, the Bible remains relevant to our human condition, adding helpful ideas to our understanding of grief in this world.

Below are some key passages that can help you process your grief with the Lord.

Seasons – There is a time to mourn

In the book of Ecclesiastes, we find a beautiful passage about the nature of life. Chapter 3 begins with “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, NIV) It then continues to list the various seasons we may experience in our lives, including times to be born, die, kill, heal, weep, laugh, mourn, and dance.

This passage in the Bible implies that these seasons in our lives are normal parts of the human experience. Should we find ourselves in a hard season like grief over a significant loss, it is not something that escapes the knowledge and care of our God, nor is it unexpected. We should allow ourselves the time we need to grieve and process our loss, so that we can heal and allow ourselves to move into a new season of life after the loss.

Lament – We can cry out and ask God how long grief will last

Psalm 13 is one example of a Psalm of Lament. It opens with the cry of the Psalmist, “How Long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts, and every day have sorrow in my heart?” (Psalm 13:1-2, NIV)

The presence of laments in Scripture reminds us that it is okay to cry out to God in our sorrow. It also acknowledges the experience of these dark spaces we can find ourselves in.

In these words, we see something of the nature of grief. We recognize in them the shock, the denial, and even the bargaining stage where one pleads with a higher power to change things. The depression and sadness can also be felt in the way the Psalmist’s thoughts trouble him, and the sadness and sorrow that linger in his heart.

But as often happens in the context of Biblical lament, the Psalmist’s grief is shaped by a trust in God that anchors him. This enables him to move from lamenting and grieving to a choice. “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.” (Psalm 13:5. NIV) That’s not to say one must move from tears to joy in the space of one song. Instead, it demonstrates that the tears will not be the final word.

Wrestling – It is normal to experience shock and wrestle with your faith

If anyone in the Bible can be seen as a model for grief, it is Job. In a series of unexpected disasters, he finds he has lost everything, from his livestock that was his wealth to most of his servants and all his children. His response, after following the cultural forms of grief of tearing his clothing and shaving his head, is to worship, acknowledging that the Lord gave, and the Lord took away, and praising his name (Job 1:21).

This is a picture of a man in deep grief. One might say Job is in the stages of shock, denial, and disbelief after receiving the news of all those losses. Throughout the book, we see Job going through an internal process, at times questioning or even accusing God. Other times, he is clearly in the bargaining stage, as he questions why he should be allowed to live at all in chapter 3.

Another thing we can learn about grief from the book of Job is how to help a friend through it. Before his friends started debating with him about the cause of his grief (for which they get rebuked at the end of the book), we see that for seven days and nights, they sat with him, not saying a word (Job 2:13). We do not need to have the right answers for a grieving friend. But we can be present with them in sadness.

Comfort – The Lord is close to the broken-hearted

Psalm 34 reminds us that “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18, NIV) Whether you are crushed by the shock of a recent loss or stuck in the depths of the depression stage, this promise reminds you that you are never alone in your grief. In those moments, God has promised to be close at hand to help you.

One of the most frequently asked questions in the light of any tragedy is, “Where was God?” But the Bible paints a picture of a God who is, in fact, close to those who are suffering and sympathizes with those who grieve. Instead of being distant from us, the Bible shows us a God who draws near to us in our pain.

In the book of Isaiah, which prophesied about the coming Messiah, we see God’s promised king described as “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief…” (Isaiah 53:3, ESV) This is fulfilled in Jesus, who came, lived, and suffered among us. He also experienced grief, so we know he can understand our pain. And this is the one who has promised to be near to us when we grieve. This should give us great comfort.

Hope – Going through the grief process with hope

1 Thessalonians 4:13 addresses those in the early church grieving the loss of friends and family members in the church. Paul encourages the believers not to grieve in the same way that the world does. For many people, coming to terms with the loss of a loved one requires finding some sort of meaning in the loss. But as a Christian, the loss of a loved one does not mean forever.

A Christian can find their way through their grief and into the final stage of acceptance because they know that they will one day be reunited with their loved one. It does not mean that you are over the loss or that you can move on easily, but it means that you have a hope in Christ to cling to when you feel the depths of your loss.

Throughout the Bible, there are promises that our sorrows will be replaced with joy in the future. Revelation 21:4 paints a picture of a promised future where there will be no more tears or mourning. We know that whatever sorrows we endure now will not be endless. Instead, we have hope that in Christ our grief will not get the final word.

Experiencing Grief in Community

Even with the promises that Scripture gives us, this does not mean that we should go through grief bravely holding on by ourselves. God places us in communities and encourages us to comfort one another with the comfort that we have received (2 Corinthians 1:4). When we are struggling with grief, we should reach out to those around us who can sit with us in the lament and help us when it is hardest to cling to the hope that we have in Christ.

If you are struggling and feel like you need help processing your grief, you can reach out to a professional counselor. They can help walk you through your grief and find your way through the grief process.