The Gray Divorce: Ending a Marriage in Your 50s

The excitement of retirement is supposed to be filled with expectations of exciting adventures. It is meant to be a time of enjoying the life that has been built. But for some couples, it becomes a time of heartache. Divorce in older couples (so-called, “gray divorce”) is becoming more prevalent. Older couples are finding it hard to maintain a marriage that has had changes in the family dynamics, such as retirement and becoming an empty nest.

Getting reacquainted as a husband and wife after years of taking care of a family can be challenging. Days that were once filled with meetings, sports events, social activities, and school events are now filled with quiet time at home. This can be a hard adjustment, and some couples turn to divorce.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24, ESV

Factors that contribute to “gray divorce”

Couples who have been through tough times are choosing to divorce rather than embrace the changes and create a new lifestyle. Embracing changes takes an intentional desire to reconnect as a couple after spending so many years building a life together. Common factors that may contribute to gray divorce are:

Empty nest syndrome

One of the biggest shifts in the family dynamics of a home is when the kids are grown and leave home. This creates a space that couples have not navigated since the beginning of their marriage.

Financial issues

Nearing retirement age or living as a retiree can cause different outlooks on financial stability for older couples. The couple may begin to experience financial infidelity which is the act of hiding bills, purchases, or bank accounts.

Attitudes about aging

Even though the couple knows that aging is a natural process, there may be different opinions about what to expect. This is evident when one spouse desires to be active in their retirement and the other wants the opposite.

Changes in expectations

As a couple grows and navigates life, they can sometimes face changes in the expectation of marriage. The less time spent engaged in events for kids the more time available to engage in activities that enhance marriage.

Growing apart

As life changes so do people. The individual perceptions of life, hobbies, and priorities aren’t the same as they were when the kids were in the home. Another factor in growing apart is that the busyness of life with kids did not allow time for in-depth connections for the couple.

Increase in life expectancy

Because people are living longer, they are taking time to focus on living and what that means to them.

Simply unhappy

Some couples get to the point where they simply believe they married the wrong person. Now that the kids have begun cultivating their lives, the parents choose to divorce.

Impacts of gray divorce

Regardless of the age, divorce can be a painful event. In the case of a gray divorce, the emotional impact may be more difficult as the couple navigates the loss of a companion of 25-plus years.

Emotional impacts

Grief

Ending a relationship that was thought to be lifelong can create a sense of grief and loss

Loss of self

When a long relationship ends it is normal for people to struggle with redefining themselves.

Mental health

Anxiety and depression are a common result of the stress of ending a marriage that has spanned many years.

Isolation

Older adults who divorce are more likely to struggle with isolation. The social connections that the couple had changed and some find it hard to cultivate new friendships.

Physical impacts

Lack of exercise

Due to depression, a person can become inactive leading to many health issues such as weight gain, high blood pressure, and diabetes.

Lack of sleep

One result of losing sleep is the chance of temporary cognitive changes. This can be evident in forgetting to take medication. Lack of sleep can also cause a lack of energy, leading to a lack of exercise.

Lack of control

Stress can create a risky lifestyle as a person tries to cope with the changes. This can lead to behaviors that affect a person’s health – impulsive behaviors such as promiscuity and substance abuse.

Strategies to cope and heal

Though gray divorce is a major event in a person’s life, it can be overcome. Being intentional about caring for their health can greatly reduce the impact of gray divorce. Here are some effective strategies for creating a healthy and well-balanced life during and after a gray divorce.

• Set boundaries.
• Practice self-care.
• Gather support.
• Cultivate friendships.
• Take time to heal.
• Give yourself grace.
• Make time for God.
• Exercise.
• Avoid alcohol.
• Connect with a counselor.

Next steps

Gray divorce is not as uncommon as one may think. After years of being engaged in a busy marriage, older couples find it hard to reconnect and return to having the same outlook on their future together. It is vital to explore all the options before deciding that divorce is the only option. If you and your spouse would like to explore the option of marriage counseling in McKinney, Texas, contact us today. The Christian counselors and therapists at Texas Christian Counseling in McKinney are ready to help.