Tips for Getting Rid of Bitterness in Relationships

There are some hilarious content creators out there on social media. Humor is deeply subjective, but it can be endlessly fascinating to see TikToks or YouTube clips about babies tasting something like a lemon for the first time. Many find themselves puckering their lips as the first sensations of sourness tantalize their tastebuds, faces screwed up into all manner of expressions.

Less hilarious, but no less powerful, is how a person reacts when certain people in their lives are mentioned or enter a room. Adults are more adept at hiding their discomfort, but there are always telltale signs that something sour, akin to a lemon, has been introduced into the mix. It might be crossed arms, or visible signs of disgust on a person’s face that alert you to what they’re feeling.

Things don’t always go swimmingly in our relationships. When they don’t, one of the results is bitterness developing between people. This makes the relationship difficult to enjoy and can eventually lead to the relationship ending.

The Roots of Bitterness in Relationships

Feelings of resentment, anger, and bitterness can creep into any relationship. While interacting with one another, people may say and do things that elicit these feelings. That much is mostly inevitable, but what matters is what you both proceed to do after that. It’s helpful to know the sorts of behaviors and attitudes that tend to generate bitterness and resentment to avoid those, and it also helps to know how to resolve the situation.

Bitterness is an expression of having been hurt in some way by someone. Bitterness is one of the emotions that alert you to what’s going on in your world; you typically experience it when things haven’t gone well. Some of these situations include the following:

Being ignored or not heard

If you have expressed something to a loved one – perhaps a fear, a pet peeve, or a boundary – and the issue comes up again and again, you can feel like you’re not being heard. That, in turn, can lead to resentment and bitterness.

Expectations not being met

We all enter relationships with expectations. These are sometimes communicated, but they can also be assumed as not needing to be communicated. Some expectations are reasonable, such as being treated with respect, while others are unreasonable, like wanting your partner to agree with you on everything.

When expectations of whatever sort aren’t met, it can cause deep disappointment and bitterness.

Getting hurt repeatedly

Getting hurt by a loved one can be a hard pill to swallow. However, hurt is common in relationships, and one can forgive the pain caused by a loved one. What might cause bitterness to develop is when that hurt happens repeatedly, and apparently without remorse.

A lack of appreciation

When you love someone, you don’t do things for them for the thanks you receive. However, being appreciated matters, and when you’re not appreciated and are taken for granted, bitterness can develop. Being appreciated is about being seen, and a lack of it might signal that your presence and actions aren’t registering.

A lack of compromise

In every relationship, there must be a little give and take for things to go well. If only one person is adjusting and making compromises for their partner, that can end up stirring bitterness and resentment. The relationship needs to feel like it’s one of equals, and that means you each make concessions to smooth things out between you.

Constant criticism

None of us is perfect. One of the roles that a close relationship plays is to alert us of our imperfections as a loved one who sees us up close spends time with us. These wounds inflicted by a loved one in the form of constructive criticism help to build us up. However, if this is one-sided, or if it seems unrelenting, it can result in deep bitterness.

A loved one making jokes at your expense, especially around other people, can also lead to bitterness.

Too much conflict

Conflict is bound to come up in any relationship. However, if conflict arises too often, wounds each other by what you say to each other, or doesn’t get resolved well, it can also lead to resentment. The relationship can feel like it’s a constant warzone.

A lack of boundaries

If you struggle to say “No” and have some unhealthy impulses in your relationship, you can wind up feeling a compulsion to do things for others, while resenting them for it. Codependent tendencies are not healthy in any relationship, and they most readily manifest in a lack of clear boundaries that allow you to protect yourself and not neglect your own needs.

A lack of satisfaction

People enter relationships for a wide range of reasons. A relationship can become unsatisfying and frustrating, and that can in turn lead to bitterness. The lack of satisfaction may be rooted in the quality of companionship, intimacy, or goals you have set for yourselves.

A lack of intimacy or empathy, unforgiveness, betrayal, and being overextended can also lead to the development of resentment and bitterness in a relationship. This process can take place overnight, but it can also take years for bitterness to take root and start having an impact on the relationship.

When bitterness takes root, it drains the sense of joy and expectation that often infuses healthy relationships. When things are good, you look forward to seeing and hearing from the other person. You want to spend time with them, to be around them, and to bring them into your world so you can continue to build meaningful mutual experiences. Bitterness undermines all that, making the relationship feel burdensome and painful.

Healing Bitterness and Restoring Hope to Relationships

Bitterness in a relationship develops due to a lack of care and attention toward one another and your needs. This happens accidentally, as people act unthinkingly and without appropriate care.

It can also happen intentionally when we are hurt and feel like getting back at someone. Our hurt and bitterness can turn around and lead us to act in ways that cause bitterness to develop and take root in others.

What this implies is that we need to pay attention to what we say and do as we interact with others. Healing bitterness and restoring a sense of hope to a relationship can start with you.

Address your expectations

This may include communicating expectations or taking time to assess if they are reasonable to have. Some expectations that generate bitterness when they aren’t met are unreasonable, and ought to be reevaluated.

Communicate your hurt

Sometimes, people hurt us and aren’t aware of it. Don’t assume the other person knows or ought to know they’ve hurt you. They aren’t clairvoyant.

Practice gratitude

Your relationship could use some work, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing worth appreciating. Taking time to name what you love about one another and your relationship goes a long way to combating bitterness.

Extend forgiveness

Being able to forgive can help you relinquish bitterness. The flip side of this is being willing to apologize when you mess up so that you acknowledge how you’ve hurt the other person and help them on their path toward healing.

Seek help

Talk to a relationship or couples’ counselor to help you work through bitterness and resentment in your relationships. You can delve deeper into the roots of those feelings and learn if there are unhelpful patterns of thought and behavior that feed into the bitterness.

Next Steps

Perhaps you can learn to draw and enforce healthy boundaries so that you don’t feel overextended in your relationships, and at the same time, learn to manage conflict better. If you find yourself stuck in the bitterness cycle, give us a call to schedule an appointment with me or another counselor today.