Healing the Abandonment Wound: Dealing with a Fear of Abandonment

If you find yourself struggling with intimacy and are constantly afraid that you will be forgotten or cast aside, you might be experiencing a fear of abandonment. Fear of abandonment often starts in our childhood with a parent or caregiver who gives inconsistent or nonexistent care. This will result in us forming an insecure attachment as children, and as adults, we will be anxious, fearful, and constantly fearing the worst.

It’s hard to let people in and lower our guard when we have an insecure attachment style. We may long for closeness and intimacy, but become afraid when we get it because we worry it will be taken from us. This often leads to self-sabotaging behavior that will end the friendship or romantic connection before it develops too far.

If we can end a connection in our own hands, it reduces the fear of losing it another way. This is a futile cycle that many adults face, and few connect it to childhood experiences that result in an abandonment wound.

Afraid to Attach: Fear of Abandonment

The way we relate to others in the context of romantic relationships, friendships, and closeness is known as our attachment style. Psychologists have determined that there are four main categories: the secure attachment style, the anxious attachment style (also called preoccupied), the avoidant style (also called dismissive), and the disorganized style (also called anxious-avoidant).

Having a secure attachment style means that you connect easily with people, and you are confident and calm in relationships. You don’t fear any sudden changes in the relationship. If there is an issue, you will gladly talk about it, and there is relatively little drama in relationships or friendships for you.

This healthy, easy way of connecting comes from growing up with attentive and engaged parents. You were likely always aware of your value to them, and they made you feel safe in their affection for you.

Inattentive parenting results in an insecure attachment style, though. If you have ever felt as if you were “too clingy” or constantly anxious about the state of your relationships and friendships, you likely have an anxious attachment style.

If you rush into relationships only to pull back and isolate yourself when things become “too real,” you likely have a disorganized style, both wanting and fearing intimacy. If you keep yourself from committing and go from one shallow relationship to another, always ending things before they get too deep, you have an avoidant attachment style.

The treatment we receive from the time we are infants is a major factor that determines how we relate to people, the level of trust we have in them, and how successfully we manage to connect with them. Behind each type of insecure attachment style is an abandonment wound that often infects the relationships we’re in.

We will always crave the affection, affirmation, and attention we never received as kids. We will tend to place too many expectations on the people we meet and the relationships we form as adults.

The Remedy

When we have a fear of abandonment, we tend to look at ourselves as victims and look to our close friends and romantic partners as saviors. Even though we might be afraid of being vulnerable with someone, we also believe that just the right circumstances will rescue us.

We have a belief somewhere in the back of our minds that if only we could meet the right person, under the right circumstances, and have the perfect relationship, we would be healed. Sometimes, we don’t even know that we think like this. Having an insecure attachment style usually means that we are hyper-focused and that we lack self-awareness.

We were indeed created to be connected to others. Being loved and loving in return is the ultimate goal of humankind. However, we will never be able to enjoy intimacy and connection in healthy ways until we start the process of healing our abandonment. It is not others who will heal our wounds; we are our doctors, and our healing rests on how well we treat ourselves.

Loving Yourself

Secure attachment begins with a healthy relationship with ourselves. When we understand why we act the way we do, it will also give us an idea of what we need the most. Some of us have never even thought of spending time alone in a healthy, loving way, but that is where healing starts.

We must begin to show up for ourselves, have compassion for ourselves, and want what is best for ourselves before we can receive the kind of care we crave from others. Healing begins with self-compassion.

Do you feel like you have an abandonment wound? If so, speaking with a counselor is an important and necessary step toward healing. When you contact us, we will find an available counselor suitable for your needs. Reach out to us by phone or email today.